choking on smooth air (and that is the end)
by Steven Ostrom
sitting on the bank of the river, my feet hover above the water just enough so that they never touch. Once something fish, stick, frog, trash disturbs the flow of the water, disturbs the length between the two, it collects with a chill, and with it i recollect and redesign and reimagine and it reflects me reflecting how it guilt cold love pain she gets to you anyway and i resign once again to the cold cold cold cold water my feet hover two inches above but they have been touched anyway, cold then colder now soon too cold unhealthily this is not good for me this is not good for me thisisnotgoodformethisisnot
“Hello?”
i heard it but could not listen. i couldn’t do anything, i swear i tried, i promise, i wanted to, but i didnt(.) know howandihopeyoucanbelie
“Can we try to come back?"
my head snaps too fast and then everything is dark as if I were swallowed by a cloud as if i havent already been and I can see nothing except the her table and flowers of various her favorite colors and a beautiful dress hers from the night Kids! It’s time for dinner! red like you imsorry and fight or flight fills my lungs with the coldcoldcold river and it floats up and i float up and we all sink down and down and down until youre sliding and the napkin is in his hands and fate is in mine and my blood becomes the river and yours becomes your throat and i cant move imsorry and tonights disappearing act is not him like usual but me&you&you&her&you&HER&you&imsorryimsorryimsorryimiss&you& && & & && && &
“Are you listening?
My eyes shoot up faster than I could believe. I look at him through him and see something nothing resembling a man I once knew but would much rather forget, I say “I’m sorry, I got a bit lost there for a second,” with the voice that I call my own but is not mine dares to say out loud. “Could you repeat?”
“I wanted to talk a little bit about your mother.”
blue&yellow flowers cold river floats along without a care the champagne salt pepper napkins olive oil washes away leaving a trail that spells your name but you are gone and the water is touching my feet like they are its own who told you that was ok who told you who told her ? i didnt know we didnt know i shouldve known how was i supposed to know? i failed i failed you im a failure i failed im sorry im sorry imsorryimsorryimsorry
“I’m sorry?”
“Your mother. Have you visited her since she passed?"
sitting on the bank of the river, my feet hover above the water just enough so that they never touch. Once something fish, stick, frog, trash disturbs the flow of the water, disturbs the length between the two, it collects with a chill, and with it i recollect and redesign and reimagine and it reflects me reflecting how it guilt cold love pain she gets to you anyway and i resign once again to the cold cold cold cold water my feet hover two inches above but they have been touched anyway, cold then colder now soon too cold unhealthily this is not good for me this is not good for me thisisnotgoodformethisisnot
“Hello?”
i heard it but could not listen. i couldn’t do anything, i swear i tried, i promise, i wanted to, but i didnt(.) know howandihopeyoucanbelie
“Can we try to come back?"
my head snaps too fast and then everything is dark as if I were swallowed by a cloud as if i havent already been and I can see nothing except the her table and flowers of various her favorite colors and a beautiful dress hers from the night Kids! It’s time for dinner! red like you imsorry and fight or flight fills my lungs with the coldcoldcold river and it floats up and i float up and we all sink down and down and down until youre sliding and the napkin is in his hands and fate is in mine and my blood becomes the river and yours becomes your throat and i cant move imsorry and tonights disappearing act is not him like usual but me&you&you&her&you&HER&you&imsorryimsorryimsorryimiss&you& && & & && && &
“Are you listening?
My eyes shoot up faster than I could believe. I look at him through him and see something nothing resembling a man I once knew but would much rather forget, I say “I’m sorry, I got a bit lost there for a second,” with the voice that I call my own but is not mine dares to say out loud. “Could you repeat?”
“I wanted to talk a little bit about your mother.”
blue&yellow flowers cold river floats along without a care the champagne salt pepper napkins olive oil washes away leaving a trail that spells your name but you are gone and the water is touching my feet like they are its own who told you that was ok who told you who told her ? i didnt know we didnt know i shouldve known how was i supposed to know? i failed i failed you im a failure i failed im sorry im sorry imsorryimsorryimsorry
“I’m sorry?”
“Your mother. Have you visited her since she passed?"
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