i want to love myself but i can't right now

by Tess Rempel

i want to love myself but i can't right now
it's hard to know yourself when you don't know how
to define yourself outside of others' definition of you
sure, it's easy to self love for a night or two
but when you get to look in the mirror you see more flaws than you knew
does anyone know how to love a perfectionist?
a pessimist?
I see myself for who I am, maybe that's why it's so hard
those who love me haven't gotten past the guard
who walks outside my walls, making sure no one sees inside
everyone thinks it looks like a castle but then they'd see the flowers that have died-
the overgrown trees-
they think breaking down the walls is a cure but it's more of a disease
they just don't realize they're sick
until they start taking down the bricks.

-

life is too vivid for a girl like me

flashing lights

long drives in dark nights

groceries collapsing onto one another in the trunk

animals running across the road, trembling chipmunks

hands gripping the steering wheel

the world keeps moving no matter how its passengers feel.

-

i beg of the curtain to never rise

i don't want to play the part

some doors to never open and

some days to never start.

the role is making me detached 

my brain gets worn out from all the hopes and dreams and people it's trying to catch

the characters i'm trying to play

the audience i'm trying to please

all of this makeup is giving me acne

it's hard not to hate everyone you love

somehow i can't seem to get enough

of people making me feel less i am

because at least it makes feel something

I fin it hard to keep trusting when

part of me wants to use hands to shield the world and

the other part of me wants to use fists to fight

bottom line? I don't know if this world and I

are that close of friends.

i want to be its biggest rival but also i never want it to end

this world is in a crisis and

it's not looking like i can escape this society of illness, of strife, of violence.