Finding Redemption

by Anne Kopec

I look in every nook and cranny
Searching for redemption.
In every corner of a dusty room
Trying to find redemption.
It could be here
                                    It could be there.
But how can I find it
When I made
Too many mistakes
I've

Turned innocent smiles
Into contorted expressions
Of sadness
With hurtful words.
I've sneered
At those
Who I thought
Were freaks
And laughed
At those
Who I thought
Were weird
In the
Worst way.
I've shoved books
Out of hands
And made them
Pick it all
Back up
While I watched
With a smirk.
I've gossiped
False information
About others.
I watched them
Get teased by
Their fellow classmates
And get shunned
By their friends.

I didn't like
What I did.
But I did it.
I did it all.
How can I
Prove to them
That the person
That once put
Them down
Wasn't me.
Was never me.
I did it all
To find myself
Some friends.
I did it.
Out of my
Own misery.
I did it
Because
I was desperate
For the approval
Of others
Around me.
I keep looking
for the thing
Called redemption
But it's...

Nowhere.

Not in the eyes
 Of those I've tormented
   Not in the hearts
    Of those who hate me
     For what I did.
      If I can't find it anywhere
       If it really isn't the treasure
        Found in a locked chest,
         If it isn't the present
          Given to the hopeless,
           The small dose of medicine
            To heal the distraught,
             Then, maybe, after all,
Redemption.

Isn't.

Real.









But.


What if it is possible
To make my own redemption?
Maybe it's only a puzzle
Where the final missing piece
Can be created again?

Turning frowns into grins
Will be the first thing I do.
I'll smile at the freaks
I once grimaced at.
I'll help pick up books
Instead of pushing them.
I'll speak about the kindest
Instead of jeer about the weird.

Next year will be different.
I'll do everything I can to help.
And maybe, just maybe,
I'll be one step closer,
To finding redemption