teenagehood

by Tess Rempel


Since i'm a girl

With a smiling face
And a tiny waist,
That means
i have Nothing important to say-

My body speaks for itself

Hips say touch me
Lips say meet me,
Thighs say grab me
Eyes ask if you want me.

Men are happy with

That dialogue, they don't want to hear my
Pleading monologue, they
Don't want to wipe away our tears
They just want memories to disappear-

Kavanaugh, Lauer, Weinstein & Spacey

Powerful men imagine you racy
Don't care if you're older or baby
Sexual assault and abuse doesn't care for its victims
When it comes to sex all laws are unrestricted
I'm pleading, please don't become a statistic.

From your story and mine and every woman's today

I tell myself, I beg, don't let your body be child's play
Assault is assault, whether it was faced in a party or a subway
I know that I haven't paid my debt
Can't tell my story yet-

Every boy and man feels like a threat

i feel more like a human than a machine
only eyes hips lips to be seen
but this isn'y only about sexuality, you see.
this is about unfound identity

i sit in a classroom six hours a day
wondering if i'm wasting my life away.
diplomas are essential, so are good grades
but is it worth sacrificing the life my mother made?
I know about the world and what we should hate
nut nothing about myself, if I matter, what I deserve to make.

i take a walk, i meditate
but that doesn't cover up the fact that i self hate.
yet that's not something that'll ever be liked or retweeted
so i just need to push it down and keep those post deleted.

i eat salad, i take a shower
that doesn't equate to my body having meaning or power.
my caves are strong but my thighs aren't twigs
that's what they have to be if you want to be thin.
i don't want to starve just to fit in
what if one day i want to have kids?

my body is my home, it shouldn't be a man's playground
but i'd rather have it be found than just browsed.
i desire sex lust & love
but do i deserve it? It seems i'm really not enough

i still crave intimacy and touch
but is all i'm good for under the covers?
will anyone ever want me to be wife and mother
or just a one night stand and temporary lover?
i want to be discovered so i can no longer suffer
i think i'll crave it nightly.
but anyone thinking i'm worthy, that's unlikely

yes, teenage hormones, it's all timely
but i wonder if he'll ever come home if tonight he
will tell me if i was ever worth something
if he'll knock on my door, break down my walls, swallow the key
wrap arms around me and whisper he'll never leave
close the curtains and turn off the lights.
my story will begin to rewind
colors and space in moving time
we'll probably have to start all over again,
in hope the beginning is just as beautiful as the end.



Feelings jumbled in my brain
Uncontrolled and i'm afraid
I use my strength to push them down
Into a bottle that will never be found
I want a way out but not to live or to die

Could i please just exist in the middle for some time?
I want to escape, let me out, how can i leave?
How can i find love if i'm unable to wear my heart on my sleeve?

I'm tired of saying and acting like i'm fine
I'm overly emotional and numb all at the same time
Isn't that all what life is? Waiting until suicide?
Working until you're ready to go? Until life no longer is giving you the right to grow?

Media tells me to look at these models
Look like Victoria's Secret or you should feel awful
Media tells me to only show the highlights
Only post the photos too much, don't be self absorbed
Don't care about issues if you want to be adored
Talk about your problems and be yourself
But don't be too real, put the audience above your mental health.

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